I am super emotional right now and those of you who know me know that's a pretty big deal. Even though I am a female, I am NOT much of a "feeler" and much more of a "thinker". It is to my fault sometimes that I am very business-like with everything in my life. My emotions almost always take back seat to my check-list. Even my thoughts usually ignore my feelings. But eventually the big emotions catch up with my mind and pound down the door to explode into front & center stage!
So here I am on a Sunday evening...
Riley went down to bed like a perfect big 2 year old!
The house got a deep clean this week and we even re-cleaned some things after the party!
Everything on my checklist is checked!
Sounds like everything should feel perfect, right?!
But it doesn't...all I can think is that it feels like something is missing!
(And something tells me it has nothing to do with a checklist.)
I told Brandon how I felt and, like the great husband he is, he prayed with me, hugged me as a cried, and put my favorite movie in the DVD player - Cheaper By The Dozen!
So here I am, watching my favorite feel-good movie, snuggled up with pillows and blankets and on the couch with my husband! But something is missing!
Now it feels like it's my thoughts that aren't caught up with my emotions. Can you tell I'm a helpless emotional!!!
So what's missing...
...I miss my church family...
...I miss my family family, and nowhere feels like home as much as being with them...
...I'm dreading Brandon going to work tomorrow and I feel like I miss him already...
...I miss having my long checklist of Riley's party plans to distract my mind from my emotions...
Honestly, I know I was right with the first one = I miss my church!
For those of you who don't know, my ("our" if your from TCC) church, Twin Cities Church, has closed. We ended with the loving arms of our Father wrapped around us and worshipped him together for our final Sunday morning service on June 7th.
I really haven't figured out what's ahead but blogging (and the movie) are helping me find an optimistic thought and I look forward to talking with God each day this week as he walks me through what feels like grieving. Grieving the loss of my church...
...my family away from MI...
...my best Minneapolis friends...
...my spiritual encouragement...
...my long time unofficial part-time job...
...and for a short time, my latest official part-time job...
...the church that got me through college...
...the church where I was married...
...the church where my first and only (so far) child was dedicated...
...the church where I preached my first and only (so far) sermons...
...the only church I have ever know as my own, besides the church I was raised in, in MI...
I will never forget the mental pictures I have of those moments in the church when God spoke to me or the many amazing things that came from our kids as they were exposed to God's presence.
So what are those 5, or however many, steps or phases of grieving...
Here's what I found online (not scientific, but general concise info):
http://www.webmd.com/balance/tc/grief-and-grieving-topic-overview
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Step 1, Denial - check. I think my business-like mind takes care of denying the emotions.
Step 2, Anger - check. Coupled with guilt. Step 3, Bargaining - check: Riley's party was how I compromised with the certain fate that things would not be the same anymore for my church family.
Step 4, Depression - I think this is where I am at now, although I wouldn't call it depression, that's a bit too strong of a word.
Step 5, Acceptance - I'm sure this is coming soon and I'm looking forward anxiously!
To all my friends/family from Twin Cities Church, I know I will see you all soon but I also know that closing our church will have a real affect on each of us and all of us. So please feel free to share your thoughts and prayers, just like we always have, and that should never change.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing Sarah! Thinking about all Jan and I´s memories there too is so pleasant. Yes, it is sad that the doors are closed now but what an impact it had on the lives of so many while it was open. (I know you know.) I am praying for you during this time of change. Take care friend!
- Emilie
Yes, there are so many great things to say about the church and all the amazing things God did! I had more in the blog about that but it was getting really really really long! :) So, for length of the blog, I tried to stick to just my thoughts and feelings regarding how to adjust.
Oh Sarah! It would not have been too long! I think we are many grieving the loss of TCC. It is a great way to get closure and reach acceptance to share those memories and what it meant to us and others. Being a part of that church it is always great to hear about the work and impact. I would have loved to read more.
Even as we moved to Sweden and are much part of a church here, I still considered TCC as a spiritual home. We were all very close and what we shared... life... it will forever be in us.
Miss you! Keep up the blogging!
Just read this Sarah and am in tears. I know that feeling when something just isn't right. Thanks for writing about this. I have just been too sad to write about it, can't find the right words to express all that I am feeling. But I will remember God's presense during that last worship service and it was a sweet, sweet presence.
Post a Comment