"I am overwhelmed!"
This statement has come out of my mouth too much lately! Why? Because I am married!
What is overwhelming me? Everything about my husband that is so unlike me. Everything about him that I don't understand. Everything going on within him that comes out at an inconvenient time (for me). Everything about him that I don't know how to deal with it!
I know this is NOT a struggle foreign to other couples; whether married, dating, or just a couple of close friends.
But somehow knowing that others struggle with it doesn't make me feel any better, it just makes me think that there is no solution!
Well, I would like to share what Brandon and I have been trying to help us deal with each other and see what you think.
Hopefully you can share any tips you have, even if they didn't work; it would be funny to hear what other people do to deal with each others oddities.
In a time of deep thinking, searching for the right attitude when the worst attitude kept creeping up, I thought to myself,
"I hate the way I react to his strange habits even more than I hate the habits; I don't feel like I have the right attitude about this struggle." (In case you missed it; those thoughts came from God trying to show me my errors, of course!)
So then I thought,
"Maybe I should try celebrating those things instead." (Again, I can't take the credit for the idea.)
Honestly, I didn't like the idea so much at first. But after I calmed down I decided to give it a try. So the next time I was with Brandon we were driving in a car and of course I started to get annoyed and then I shared the Celebrate Tactic with Brandon and right away decided to declare my celebration of all the things that had annoyed me in just the last several minutes.
But I didn't tell him how much they bugged me. Instead I said, "I celebrate how free you are to .... and all the things that your personality teaches me about loosening up!"
Of course, the statement sounded really funny and we both cracked up at how ridiculous it was that I couldn't just let those little things slide by. But we were laughing! NOT ARGUING!!!
So let us know what tips you might have. We haven't even been married 2 years yet so we are going to need all the tips we can get!
Thanks!
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4 comments:
You are well on your way! The big thing I have to remind myself to do is to not focus so much on what the other person is doing or not but rather focus on how I feel and how I react. That opens up for a problem-solving session instead of argument. Like this... in a calm voice no pointing fingers here!... I feel really scared and my heart races and I don´t know how to keep myself from yelling when you drive this close to the car in front of us. What to do?
Usually I have no clue of how I make others feel when I do those annoying things. So rather than telling me to change I get to find out how I make the other person feel. I get two choices. An opportunity to explain why I do the things I do in a manner that makes the other person understand me. Start to change my behaviors because I really don´t want the other person react that way. It was just not my intentions.
Another thing that has helped a couple of times. In big arguments where we just don´t see eye-to-eye. Usually this is family culture stuff where there are no right or wrong. Somehow we have to figure out a solution.
We change points of view. I have to argue from Sam´s point of view and Sam have to argue for mine. It can get pretty funny. Usually a bit frustrating at first because it is hard to let go of your own point of view.
It makes you unstuck though! Oh and realizing that it is not the person that is the problem... it is the issue or behavior...
wow... I keep thinking of more stuff... but I should probably stop!
Good/bad communication goes in cycles (remember shyclone?). What I mean is, new life changing events (new baby, new job, new home etc...!) can trigger styles of comm. and comm. problems we didn't know existed and can be frustrating. Also, how we react to new circumstances is different. So give yourselves time to "settle" in this new way of life and try to see how it is affecting the other person.
One thing we have learned is that, even when things get to a breaking point, it is important to reassure your spouse you love them(sometimes even when you don't feel like it). After all, love does cover a multitude of sins!
Great suggestions! I especially like the switch points of view and arguing for the others opinion. Brandon would have a lot of fun with that too!
Are you reading, hunny?
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